Pictures taken by Joshua Efron of our Stitch Tactics Christmas performance.  Nobody got engaged this time, but the company was the same.

Stitch Tactics co-founder Alex Haynes proposes to his girlfriend Jill Terry during an improv show.

Tosin and Spencer have a serious talk about their roomatetionship.

Starring:
Tosin Morohunfola
Spencer Lott
Havana Mahoney

Directed by Tosin Morohunfola
Director of Photography: Tristan Noelle
Key Grip: Nathan Fung

When I asked a man who had thoughts on the situation what his thoughts were on the situation he said, “Most likely we’re just becoming a less racist country as we move more towards a global society. We are becoming used to different kinds of people from different backgrounds and I think President Obama is living proof of that.” Since that man is clearly irrational, I asked another man, this time someone that purports to really know things, “It’s more likely that our literacy programs in the regions associated with the extremists have educated them enough to know that it would irritate him more if they kept him alive.”

Where exactly are these regions?

“The South, mostly. But also the Deep South, and the South East as well. We’ve really tried to put most of our focus on the problem areas.”

When a call was made to a Deep Southerner’s rotary telephone he was asked his opinion on how the current president was allowed to take office, he replied with “I believe Ronald Reagan is doing a fine job.”

Obama’s election campaign even “leaked” that he might not be born in the United States, which was expected to be the tipping point for extremists. It was further helped by the fact that Obama was born in the faraway and mystical, yet somehow U.S. owned, land of Hawaii. However, his campaign coordinators did not take into account the call-in radio shows, blogs, and loss of 1950s stoicism that now allow the population to vent all their anger. Without the need to contain everything until it boiled over, everyone merely yelled and complained rather than doing anything. Charles Bronson never would have stood for this.  He would have shot this fact in the face, if it was a tangible object.

However, it might not be blogs that are keeping Obama safe, and even though they would like you to think it was his security staff, it is more likely that his greatest defense is the man that would take over, Joe Biden.

Vice President of U.S. Operations Biden was asked about the situation through telephone and had this to say,

“They’ve taken away my speaking privileges, again.”

After reminding him that he was currently speaking, he released a heavy sigh and hung up the phone.

*This article was originally published in The University Daily Kansan on Monday, January 31st, 2011 and can be found at http://www.kansan.com/news/2011/jan/30/obamas-death-wish-not-going-planned/*

Part 2

Part 3

Stitch Tactics members Maggie Cargill and Taylor Brown perform with Aron Wallis as Gamma Ray for Improv Thunderdome 6. Thanks to Tom Ptacek for providing this footage from the Westport Coffeehouse Theater.

Stitch Tactics member Julie Miller performs with Guy Maggio, Harrison George and Mike Ferris as Generation Gap in Improv Thunderdome 6. Thanks to Tom Ptacek for providing this footage from the Westport Coffeehouse Theater.

A recent story from the science desk at NPR reports that a team of Israeli scientists found that the smell of women’s tears reduces sexual arousal in men. This might seem like another excuse for boyfriends not wanting to watch The Notebook. Yet, the potential in these findings is gigantic.  Scientists need only to re-work through the scientific method to see a future with an endless possibilities for tears. As an aide to this brighter future, a sample scientific method has been included:

1. Hypothesis

If the smell of tears acts as an anti-aphrodisiac, what other applications can they have?  Women across the globe pay hundreds of dollars for perfumes to make them smell sexy and downright irresistible.  What if tear perfumes could be concocted otherwise?  Every woman experiences that time when they don’t feel sexy, and sex sounds as appealing as wasabi ice cream.  However, communicating this to a horny partner can be near impossible.  With a tear perfume, there would be no more begging, no more failed attempts, and no more arguments starting with  “But you’re never in the mood.” Instead, a man would walk into the room, catch a whiff of the air, and slowly pace backwards out of sight, shuffling through his memory of committed wrongs.

2. Experiment

For more research, there must be more tears.  According to NPR, the previous experiment’s tears were donated by women who watched sad movies.  Additionally, the tears were distributed by drops at a time to the men in the experiment.  This simply cannot be if we are to live in a world reliant upon tears.  The means of production must yield a stronger, more bountiful crop. One solution would be to set up donation clinics, much like blood clinics already in place.  These stations would be equipped with rich libraries of sad movies, and staffed with relationship therapists ready with shoulders to cry on, and beakers to scrape away the tears.  Donors could be classified by the average amount of tears they produce, and rare donors who cry by the bucket-full would be compensated for frequent donations. If we are conduct further experiments, we have one indispensable need: more tears.

3. Analyze Data

Alongside a decrease in libido, NPR reports that the male subjects’ testosterone levels also decreased.  Scientists are sure to find more results if they examine other changes in the subject’s body. For example, appetite.  A man’s urge to finish his meal evaporates with a crying date.  Positive results in this area could generate the next great weight loss solution.  Conversely, tear pheromones could have the opposite effect on women. We are all familiar with the scene of a young woman on an ice cream binge after a heartbreak.  If there is a great enough association between tears and food, tears could cause a stronger appetite in women.  Restaurants could utilize these results to earn more money.  Applebee’s across the world could pump tear gas through their vents to change an order of “just a salad” to “A full slab of ribs, please.”  With the power of tears, obesity could become obsolete and anorexia could go extinct.

4. Conclusions & Future Studies

Other scientists’ interpretations of an experiment are essential to fine-tuning the results.  NPR interviewed Cornell psychologist Thomas Cleland, who said the tear experiment is “probably the best study yet showing that chemical communication between humans is a reality.”  If this is true, it means that the source of the tears must be precisely known.  What if sad movie tears cause a different effect from breakup tears? Do tears of joy grant a sense of triumph?  If the cause of tears effects the outcome, then products made from tears will have to be carefully monitored.  Consumers shouldn’t have to worry about buying a jar of wedding day tears and feel the effects of playground injury tears.  Premier tear companies could insure organic, free trade and sweatshop-free tears.  The chemical message must be clear if we are to communicate their meaning.  Otherwise, a society dependent on tears would be implausible, and we certainly can’t have that.

What if Jesus spent his time on Earth fighting crime, getting caught in deathtraps and exchanging his disciples for sidekicks? This video has the answer.